Dealing with emotions

I'm back with something more personal that I would like to share.

I've been dealing with so many things while growing up. Some were good and some were bad, of course. But, the main thing that I've been going through 95% of my life is dealing with my emotions. I'm always at war with my own feelings and anger and anxiety have always been my enemies.

Growing up I had to deal with anger because one thing's for sure, I'm a hot-tempered person if you know me personally but thank God I've learnt how to manage it and control it over the years as I encounter different people who tell me different advices on it. I used to be the kid that screams at everyone when I'm angry and I will also get physically violent. I mean to say I regretted doing so as I used to be oblivious of my surroundings when I'm angry. No matter where I am and who's around, if you make me angry, I will shout at you and I don't care whatever they might think about me. Well, I'm ashamed of my past if you ask me.

Right now, anger is still by my side but I'll always try to be patient and tolerant before I outburst into something that you wish not to see at all. I'm always battling to force myself to think positive and be patient because I feel like being angry worsen my self-esteem than actually boosting it. For an example, I have a classmate that has always been on my nerves every single time if we were grouped together because simply, she always has no idea what's going on and I, on the other hand, hate to repeat myself. To be honest, she has been a one big challenge for me to deal with because every week I feel the need to burst into flames but no, I stick to my promise to be tolerant and patient because I have a strong conviction that if I were patient enough, great things will happen in my life.

Until one day, she actually triggered my anger and I was oblivious like I used to, as my buttons were pushed and my voice was immediately raised at her. I reacted like I never did before, I automatically retreated and felt guilty for doing so. This has never been the case of mine to be guilty of getting angry at someone because I used to be that person that will be very cold hearted after raising my voice at somebody. I knew I had to say sorry and I did. That was a big relief for me actually.

The main thing about me is that I like to make deals and promises with myself like as if I'm someone that is halved into separate personalities.

Dealing with anxiety is also a major problem with me because I will get panicky and my heart will pump two times faster than average. This is not normal, to me. Anxiety is something that I can never predict. It just happens and I will definitely go into a world where I feel like everything is totally messed up and I just feel like death is the best answer to it. I think my anxiety started when I was 4 years old because I encountered a near death experience while swimming at the beach. Truthfully, I'm still battling with anxiety until now. Hopefully, one day, I'll figure how to overcome it.

If there is one feeling that I wouldn't want it to go away is feeling melancholy. Melancholy helps me to sympathise, empathise and care for other people. Without it, I would be a devil in disguise because I would be so cold-hearted to everyone else and no, I may look arrogant but I'm really nice and friendly if you talk to me. Well, being melancholy also makes me cry a lot, even at little things but I feel that having this feeling is actually a blessing for me and I thank God for that.

The truth is, there is more to it but I guess I'll keep it short for tonight. Dealing with emotions is difficult but if you try to tell yourself that it is not difficult, it will eventually naturally be easy for you to deal with it. But, it takes time.

Till' the next post.

Love, Delilah.